Three topics get discussed endlessly at my classes and workshops. If the person does not know me, the question will be, “How do I lose my belly fat?” Once they get to know me, it will turn to food – delicious and healthy food. Then comes the baffling topic of relationships. To the belly fat,
Three topics get discussed endlessly at my classes and workshops. If the person does not know me, the question will be, “How do I lose my belly fat?” Once they get to know me, it will turn to food – delicious and healthy food. Then comes the baffling topic of relationships. To the belly fat, I say elbow plank pose. To the food, I say enjoy in moderation. Unfortunately, for relationships there are no one-size-fits-all, there are no concrete answers, and often, I look up to heavens and say Insha Allah or Kismat – God Willing or Destiny.
I often meet people at different stages of relationships:
‘Should I’ – Should I date him? Should I get married? Should I tell her how I feel?
This stage often gets dictated by social conditioning or the hormones. Both are powerful factors. The choices that get made need not be rational. You often throw caution to the wind and dive headlong.
- I Do – Should I let my parents know? Should I change my Facebook status? Should I fix the date?
From speaking about commitments, here comes the phase of walking the talk.
- Do I – Should I wait for someone else? Am I ready? Am not sure if this is it. Should I call it off?
The ‘Do I’ stems from our doubts and fears of the unknown future.
- Why Did I? – Should I break up?
Regrets may arise, often due to the headlong dive into waterless pools during the ‘Should I’.
Should I? and Why Did I? take longer interventions and reflection. The focus becomes more on self discovery so that the eventual decision is made from a state of love.
‘I Do… or Do I’ phase happens at the critical time when you have made a commitment and the relation is going to the next level – the wedding. You find yourself initially elated and then, instead of bells ringing and birds chirping, you are struggling with voices of doom in your head. The popular term for the condition is the wedding jitters. Both ‘arranged’ couples and lovers experience jitters but strangely, the latter experiences more jitters. ‘Arranged’ couples have already accepted the possibility of marrying a ‘stranger’, whereas the lovers are agreeing to marry ‘the known devil.’
Love or arranged, you may experience anxiety, breathlessness and sorrow at the thought of your upcoming wedding. I suggest, do not take the jitters lightly, rather take it as a sign that you need to slow down and take a look at what is happening in the most important place in the world – your mind.
There have been instances of jitters trying to warn you that you are overlooking important issues, including your safety. Majority of women who have been subjected to domestic abuse did experience pre-wedding jitters but pushed them aside owing to family pressures.
That being said, how do we deal with the “I Do… or Do I”
Meditate: Spend time in meditation; sit still at an undisturbed space for 15 minutes, observing your breath. This helps the mind to calm down and have better clarity. I cannot stop emphasizing the importance of deep breathing and mindful movements for a less hassled mind. So go on and practice some Asanas, Vinyasa or Tai Chi and Praanayama.
Discuss: Articulate and then allay all your doubts. Talk to your closest friends and those among the family, who will stand by your decision.
Live: Go on, do those things that you love, live your life. Life as you love it should not end when the married life begins.
Let go: If your need for perfection is ruining your day then let it go. Whether you hope for a perfect wedding day or a perfect life ahead, look around. Can you find one perfect thing? So, let the thoughts of perfection go out and instead try to create what is optimum.
Face your fears: “What if you had no fear? What if nothing held you back? What would you do then?” I often ask clients to journal their answer across few weeks and then take a decision.
Somewhere between following two principles lies your truth, your love and your peace:
- You only have one life, live it to the fullest, have no regrets. Be fearless.
- It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.